I am alone I’m not (i. and ii.)
a new poem and thoughts about solitude
Once upon a time, I left my phone at home when I drove to the store and it made me feel extremely strange.
At first I felt this nagging thought, “What if someone needs to get ahold of me?” I felt so disconnected from the world even with all the other humans walking and shopping around me.
I slowly let the thought go during my trip to Walmart, but I never stopped reaching to my empty pocket for my emotional support phone. Then I would remember once again that it had decided to stay at home.
No one else was noticing my phone-less situation.
But I was awkward.
I was uncomfortable.
I was free.
I was “alone”.
I prayed for self-control and a lesson about my obvious attachment problem.
When I got home, I wrote this poem with pencil and paper in the car before I walked back in to get my phone:
I am alone I’m not
by Durgan Maxey
i. I am alone I’m not alone but by myself without my phone I left it on the floor at home and now it seems I’m on my own just standing here without my phone ii. I am alone I’m not alone I’m sitting here completely known it seems like there is no one home but You can hear my every groan as I cry here beside Your throne
It’s strange to feel the difference between forgetting to pick up your phone and intentionally leaving it in the other room to spend time in quiet and prayer.
But this experience, and others like it, revealed the true level of dependence on my phone that I didn’t know I had been forming. It was an idol of security (and more).
It’s something I’ll be working on.1
a thought on solitude
I think this poem came to mind again since I’ve been thinking a lot about solitude recently.
I’m catching up on the solitude series from The Rule of Life podcast and it’s been incredible (I’m on episode three linked below). Regardless of your spiritual background, I highly recommend taking the 51 minutes and 57 seconds to hear the episode about this practice.
Rather than sharing my limited knowledge of the practice of solitude, I’ll recommend listening to the podcast or checking out the full practice resources here: https://www.practicingtheway.org/solitude
I’m in the early stages of practicing solitude. I can tell it will vary from season to season, but I can still practice now, even in this season of moving to a new place with my wife and our two little ones.
Even when we’re alone, we’re not alone.
Do you practice solitude? Feel free to reply to the email or comment. I would love to hear your journey.
Shalom 🙏
-Durgan
I’m encouraged by the article Living on the Fringe linked below, by my friend
about some of his journey of simplifying and slowing (and specifically his relationship with digital technology).
Thanks for sharing, and for the shout-out, my friend!
I enjoyed the poem, and want to highlight the fact that you noticed an area that you didn't think a positive one, and actually took the time to articulate a thought (in poetic form no less) before going inside and resuming "normal" life. What a fun journey we are all on.